Longing for Connection or Avoiding Loneliness?

I watched Her last weekend; such an interesting and original movie. I read some of the reviews and came across a few that were saying how stupid this movie is. I see their point in that we might go “Really?! who’s gonna have a relationship with a computer programmed female voice?”

Yes, the story is very unreal and yet the message is so very real: longing for connection, desiring to share our life experiences with a special someone, and seeking romantic love. These are our natural and normal desires. We are even biologically wired to seek this type of connection so that our species don’t go extinct!

However, this all said, the guy in the movie was longing for connection  after a breakup. It seemed like he was consciously or unconsciously -but understandably- avoiding the pain and loneliness associated with his breakup.  How many of us can identify with the painful heartbreak of ending a romantic relationship? The experience is very hurtful and forces us to face one of our most painful fears; the fear of loneliness.

The pain and fear of loneliness is one of our deepest and scariest feelings. The reason it’s so painful is that it’s usually associated with thoughts/ beliefs like “I’m not good enough, I’m not lovable, I’m not worthy of love and belonging, no one likes me, no one wants to be with me, I cannot survive being alone… .”  Somehow, somewhere, we were directly or indirectly given such messages and we internalized them. So loneliness involves self-abandonment or self-dislike but we usually project that onto others believing that others don’t like us, whereas in reality, we are the ones not liking/accepting/approving of ourselves. Once these scary thoughts are faced and worked through, the fear of loneliness is not as scary and painful anymore.